How do I get by?

How?

Is it that hard to get by? Shit...all I want is a normal, happy life, but its impossible unless I leave the past behind. Ppl say this all the time. I wonder...Have they done such thing? All I want is to be happy, and get what I deserve. love, craziness, happines , good things. For some reason...I have not one thing.
I used to and well, life happend....and crazy bitches stood out. I wonder....when will this be over? when will I start to feel like me again?
I want answers. I demand to be okay for once.

I have done lots to change...but one thing can never change and that is feelings, the heart. I know things will get better, i just wonder when?
I am a good person, Im always thinking about others,....so why is all this happening. I want, need to be smiling again.
I miss everything.

Some one a few days ago told me...girl, you have it all, you look happy, have tons of friends, have a great apartment, Dante, an opportunity of a life time with Demoiselle, travel alot.... what more do you want?... the one thing I want I cant have....everything else falls into second and third place. It sounds bad, but is realidad...mi realidad. The one I want...is the one thing Ill never have. and that is scary, and depresing.
I miss it soooo much, it hurts. Am waiting to heel...but its taking to long. ..Im sick of pretending, Did I fuck up that bad?

All I want is to either get over it all or get back what I had...but somethings got to happend. soon!